Love and Romance in the Big House -

Women Falling in Love with Men Who Are Incarcerated

Nafeesah R. Abdullah, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Oct 10, 2007

In watching the show Lockup: San Quentin Extended Stay on MSNBC it's funny how when they talk to the women in the show because they're standing by their husband or boyfriend and in this segment called 'Conjugal Visit' since California, Connecticut, New Mexico, New York, and Washington state permit conjugal visits in the correctional facilities which is limited to main line or general population inmates who have a release (parole) date.

I am listening to this woman named Yvonne Olivias who's boyfriend Robert 'Angel' Rodriguez is serving a 10 year sentence for attempted domestic violence is housed in Ad Seg (Administrative Segregation) and has non-contact visits. I was sitting here just rolling when she said he's only been back to prison twice...two times is too many.

I should know since the man I had a long relationship with was flying in and out of prison like it was nothing. What I could say to women who are making excuses for these idiots is that he made his bed now he's got to lie in it. Many women who fall in love with men who are incarcerated have some kind of issue with themselves to not desire a man who's got nothing to offer her.

I say that since Erik and Lyle Menendez who are currently in separate California state penitentiaries serving life terms for the murders of their parents Jose and Kitty (who's a native of Oak Lawn a south suburb of Chicago), and both married women who were their pen pals in prison and when they interviewed Tammi Menendez the wife of Erik Menendez she was telling her story about how she got into her relationship with Erik Menendez.

I am sure right now you and the rest of the free thinking world are going "What the hell was she thinking?". Even I said the same damn thing when she was interviewed on shows like 60 minutes and Larry King Live which just left me speechless. What woman is going to relinquish the chance to have a meaningful relationship with someone she can't even have sex with since neither Lyle or Erik are permitted conjugal visits at this point since they're serving life without parole sentences.

Lyle is currently housed at Mule Creek State Prison in Ione, California and Robert John Bardo the convicted murderer of actress Rebecca Schaeffer is too also housed there as well and Erik is at Pleasant Valley State Prison in Coalinga, California. Another woman who has lost her mind is Doreen Lioy-Ramirez the wife of convicted murder-rapist Richard Ramirez known as the 'Night Stalker' who she began a written correspondence going back to 1985 and in 1988 after writing nearly 100 letters Ramirez proposed to her, and they were married in October 1996 on the grounds of San Quentin State Prison and she has made it clear that she will commit suicide when Ramirez is executed.

That right there is crazy because a woman is willing to sacrifice her life since Ramirez is a death row inmate he gets no conjugal or contact visits.All medium, high, ad seg, and death row inmates in the California prison system are not permitted conjugal visits or any contact visits and are done in a cage facing the visiting area where they can talk on an intercom phone. What kind of marriage is that? Not to be able to hug or kiss your significant other or spouse and even having sex with them. It's a huge sacrifice and people don't realize these women have taken on the monumental task of sacrificing their lives and the women who are married to the Menendez brothers and Richard Ramirez are making the ultimate sacrifice a chance to have children and a chance to live a normal life with a husband who's not locked up and got felonies from here to the Florida keys.

These women are truly setting the standard of what many women will go through for a man and to find love, but it's not worth it because I can say from experience it's hell and it's stressful and some of these inmates have no idea what they put their families through when they're incarcerated whether it's a few months to a huge stretch of time. The stress and bullshit is hard on not only significant others and spouses, but the children of inmates as well since there's so many inmates who are incarcerated are not getting out anytime soon and some not at all if they're serving life terms without the possibility of parole.

It's bad when women do this to themselves it's like a form of unnecessary self torture because there are so many men who aren't locked up single and don't have criminal histories and are looking to get married. I saw the stress that came from dealing with someone who was incarcerated and it's hard because they're so good at telling you how they'll change and when they get back out the promise they made means nothing. The women who subject themselves to this life long sacrifice for love have deep seated issues because what female in her right mind would sacrifice a real life with someone who can't even piss, shower, eat, and read his mail unopened and unchecked in private.

So many women across the country are falling into this pattern of falling in love with men who are in prison and have nothing to offer them since these women hear promises of their husbands and boyfriends getting their lives together only to see them fall right back into the same pattern that got them locked up to begin with. These women miss out on things that most married women with husbands who are free are experiencing like having children, going out to nice dinners, celebrating special occasions with each other-the Menendez brothers and Richard Ramirez will never celebrate a single wedding anniversary or even consummating the marriages with their wives the only contact they'll get with their wives is through contact visits - Menendez brothers are allowed contact visits whereas Richard Ramirez doesn't get contact visits and can only speak to his wife through a steel cage facing a visitors gallery and talking on an intercom phone.

I knew this wasn't a life for me and since I left my ex things have been much better I am happy and content and I don't have to deal with the same slew of excuses that is given to right a situation when they want to make you forget about what they did that caused you pain. Men who are locked up will tell you what you want to hear because they have nothing to lose without saying something that makes you let your guard down and making you vulnerable to things that you're not used to hearing since they're good at manipulating things by telling you how you've been rejected and how men don't want you and how it's the first time you've heard someone compliment you.

You would not believe the things these clowns in prison will do to get a woman in their grasp through the letters they write and many of the women have no idea that their husbands and boyfriends could be writing to other women as well while locked up and they wouldn't have any idea of what is going on. I believed my ex did in fact write some other women while he was with me and was locked up. I didnt think this Yvonne Olivia's chick was too bright when she said her boyfriend had been locked up twice, and I wonder how many other women like her are out here who live in this bullshit fantasy world thinking they can do no wrong and how they're sorry when most of the time they're not sorry for crap.

I wanted to do a piece to let women know that this isnt the life you want to be living because prison inmates especially the ones who are thugs and gang bangers are a waste of time because they have nothing to lose and they'll tell you what you want to hear because they think you'll be interested in them when many of them are in fact playing innocent women of their hearts and their feelings and many of these women get emotionally attached to these men to the point that nobody can tell them anything.

These women who are putting their lives and their plans on hold act like they're not regretting it when Lyle and Erik Menendez's wives keep having this sense of hope that their husbands will come home when in fact they're in denial of the reality surrounding their husbands' incarcerations and that they're never getting out they are lifers without parole and have to face the reality that your only connection is through contact visits and letters, but other than that their marriage is sexless and deprived of any real sexual intimacy. A real couple who love each other are going to be in a committed monogamous relationship that they can consummate.

It's never clear why these women are willing to do this to themselves and to put themselves through this kind of senseless torture, but the main reason with some is low self-esteem which is clear when you see the high level of denial these women are seriously going through to not accept the fact that their husbands are not getting out of prison. It's sad and pathetic that women would deprive themselves of a life for a man; they're willing to lose everything including family, friends, a job for a man in prison.

One woman who was a Texas based television personality who interviewed a convicted murderer wound up marrying him in a Texas state prison and another one who was a corrections officer in a Columbia, South Carolina penitentiary had sexual relations with an inmate who was on death row and ended up having a child with him and marrying him shortly after she resigned from her job as a correctional officer.

It's like these women have no idea the damage they do to themselves when they allow men who have nothing to offer them to talk them into things that cost them their jobs and everything they have because in their mind they believe love is the only thing worth having and nothing else and knowing that Ramirez's wife plans to commit suicide she's psychologically unsound if she's speaking of taking her life if the state executes her husband when she's aware he's a convicted murderer and rapist and was sentenced to a death sentence if he was to be spared the death penalty he would get a commutation of life without parole what woman is willing to live without a sexual relationship with a man who can't even consummate his own marriage because prison policy forbids physical contact with a condemned inmate.

Ramirez must have said some pretty powerful words for this woman to put herself and her entire life on hold permanently for him. They can defend this bullshit to no end, but when it boils down to it she's depriving herself of a life and a chance to have a life with someone who's actually free. I stopped defending my boyfriend who was just a pathetic excuse for a man and had the excuse factor down to a science and really had nothing going for himself and even now after leaving him he's still calls me as if nothing's going on and trying to make me believe things have changed when I don't see it since taking off the rose colored glasses and waking up to the reality of what life would be like if I kept putting myself on hold for a sorry ass man who drained the energy out of me like a Duracell battery. There's no real strength in a man who's locked up he's a burden to you and if you seriously believe that he'll keep his promises that's a far cry from another one of his 1 million lies just to get you to take your mind off the things he did to stress you out.

These men who are locked up will lie and cheat you left and right just so they'll have you brainwashed to the BS about how they were treated unfairly and yada, yada, yada and it all starts to sound the same after a while it's funny how many corrections officers sit around and talk about the women who come through the facility to visit these guys and how many of them realize they'll never have another Christmas, birthday, Thanksgiving, Easter and every other holiday in the book because of the poor choices they made in their lives and they think that the women in their lives deserve to suffer right along with them.

They're doing a good job of it because you got women who are willing to stick this shit out with fools doing long bids 25, 30 years even life. It's not worth the stress, heartache and the pain of having to deal with not being about to consummate your relationship or marriage because your significant other is incarcerated. Women will stick it out more than a man will because once a woman goes away to prison he's done with her because what man is going to let months and years of his life go to a standstill because of who he's with who isn’t getting out for a long time he's going to want a life with someone who's free and not holding him down.

Even the ones who parole still hold their loved ones down because of the fact they put them through the ringer with no regards to the stress and pain many had to endure of them being gone for so long. So ladies if you think you're going to put your life on hold for a man in jail it's sure as hell not worth it, you shouldn't put your life on hold for a man who can offer you absolutely nothing.

I think the biggest issue is that these women don't have to cook, clean, wash, and pick up after a man since it's all done at the state's expense especially the fact that the only real maintenance you do is send them money for canteen and commissary so they can buy their writing materials and food they don't eat for their 3 squares a day. Any woman that puts herself and her life and her dreams on hold for a man in jail is absolutely, positively crazy.